Emerging from the pile of discarded holidays comes Valentine’s Day. For some, it’s an exhilarating, rosy-cheeked, cherry flavored holiday delivering heart shaped candies and “I love you more”s. Yet, for the 47% of the US population not currently in a relationship, it ranks even lower than Velociraptor Awareness Day.

That’s not to say that everyone detests the day of love. Many people have craftily twisted the holiday to celebrate their friends and loved ones, as seen with the rise of “Galentine’s Day”. Even so, it’s hard to claim that resentment doesn’t build around the day, especially in a high school environment that makes it depressingly easy to compare oneself to the gorgeous girl awarded with flowers during third period or the idyllic lovebirds posting their happiest moments on social media. According to Washington Post columnist Petula Dvorak, the “anti Valentine’s Day movement” is quickly becoming the norm among teens, stemming from an attempt to reject the hype of romantic love and replace it with self-assurance. It’s no wonder why the holiday can be so triggering considering that the majority of teenagers are still awkwardly trying to grow into themselves and find unconditional self-love. In such a vulnerable stage, the image of a confident and loving couple can feel like a slap in the face. 

It would be quite hypocritical and frankly sanctimonious for a person in a committed relationship to boast about the importance of self-love on Valentine’s Day–so I apologize in advance. Yet to me, the holiday shouldn’t just be centered around complete self-assurance or head-over-heels romantic love, but an intertwinement of the two and a deeper understanding of how they relate. As marriage and couple psychotherapist April Eldemiere attests, loving from a place of “fullness”and self-assurance rather than emptiness allows for healthier communication between partners, healthier relationships, and improves partners’ perception of each other. After all, “people treat you the way they see you treat yourself”. 

The problem is that most teenagers haven’t yet entered this place of “fullness”, this state of abundant self-respect and self-love, by the time they reach high school. Insecurities are especially exacerbated in this digital age where videos of astonishingly attractive fifteen-year-olds are one swipe away and anxiously watching your crush’s Snapchat score tick up has become a varsity sport. However, while I acknowledge that self-love is the pillar of any relationship, I don’t completely believe in the notion that loving yourself is a prerequisite for a romantic relationship. It’s impractical to block yourself off from romance to achieve self-love. The focus should shift instead to the notion of learning to love yourself with somebody else; learning to step out of your comfort zone and become vulnerable enough to reveal an incomplete self to a lover. Ignoring romantic love completely to shelter an ego, to embark on an endless journey of continual “self-improvement”, can be just as harmful as throwing oneself into a half-baked relationship. According to San Diego State psychology professor Jean Twene, Generation Z is noticeably less interested in romantic relationships than millennials, but also reports considerably higher rates of loneliness. While a lack of romance in no way equates to a lack of fulfilling relationships, the belief that romance is an insignificant or unnecessary part of life can hinder an opportunity to learn and grow from new emotional experiences and build emotional and social maturity. 

In my eyes, Valentine’s Day is a gentle reminder of the long yet beautiful process of learning to love yourself and the opportunity to share that experience with another person. Just as confidence is a natural and instrumental aspect of character development, so can romantic love; just as long as it’s done when one feels secure enough. It’s important to appreciate the beauty of romantic love before resorting  to jealousy, as it’s a charming demonstration of the joy that can be found in the mere presence of another. Everyone is capable of exercising that force of love upon themselves and others. So don’t fret if you find yourself yearning for a friend on Galentine’s Day; love is waiting for you, if only you’ll love yourself enough to jump in.